iveseentomanythings on Me randomandunheardof on Suicidal itsonlyamatteroftime… on Suicidal randomandunheardof on Suicidal randomandunheardof on My hospital experience
When I entered I was stripped of all metal all shoelaces and strings pencils, pens, anything sharp they thought I could use to cut myself. It looked like prison. I said my goodbyes to my mom sister and father, I choked back tears. I was mad at my mom for sending me away to a new town and a mental institution. They took me to a tiny room and gave me a body exam I had to strip down to my underwear while they marked on paper all my self harm scars. It felt gross. Like I was some kind of experiment. They took my blood then I was off to my room. Where my roommate was sitting peacefully reading a book, not what I was expecting. The next day I met everyone I sat alone for breakfast but everyone was so friendly to me. I had too much anxiety to eat. We all sat in a circle they asked each of us individually to describe our. Mood and a goal we plan to accomplish that day. Then we were sent to take meds. They prescribed me with prozac.. the meds didn’t help.. but that’s a different story. Most of our day consisted of art therapy. We would talk to our doctor once a day we saw a therapist once a week. Which is ironic because the average stay was 3 to 7days. The social worker would actually play therapist asking us how we felt for around 30 minutes every couple of days. A few times there were fights on the unit.
When I was in the hospital for attempted suicide the first of my 3 times the nurses were completely judgemental. While my parents were not in the room one of my suicide watch nurses told me life is hard you have to swing with the punches. Gee why didn’t I think of that. He was older than me so I kept my composure and did not respond in a hostile manner just looking at from his perspective but I couldn’t at the time. He also said I can tell you aren’t poor by your Nike elite socks (boy was he wrong) . So why not just you know get over it he said. Fortunately he left and I had a different nurse. Who could really care less she just looked at her phone the whole time. Ugh what I hated the most was being watched while you showered and went to the bathroom. For the most part the nurses didn’t speak to me. I was okay with that. They didn’t care about me I didn’t care about them. My last of the 5Nights I spent in the hospital I had one amazing nurse and I will never forget her. she was 18 and we talked for hours straight about our lives. Mostly about hers, OMG she was telling me about her party expierences her love life everything, nothing was off limits it was really Great. When it came time for her to leave she gave me a hug and wished me luck on my journey. The next night around 6 the police officers came into my room to escort me to me to an inpatient facility. They strapped me down and rolled me into the ambulance I was scared. How ironic is that not afraid of death but afraid of what my potential roommate would be like. I’ll make a part 3 this is getting too long again
On October 20, I attempted suicide.
Okayy, well this isn’t the first time I’ve done it, but it was the first time I really followed through with it. I just felt so alone, Rejected neglected by everyone I cared about. I was an outsider all my close friends left me for different cliques and the friends that still stayed were barely the label friend. I mean I was practically invisible they would talk at lunch not even notice that I was even at the table or leave to go sit in the library on my own. That’s not what this is about the lack of attention. Everything was piling up. It’s my sophmore year in high school and I’ve been suffering from depression since I was 13. My grade point average is a 1.6 Which stresses me out, because my family is really poor, and I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life. With my grades that’s the route I’m heading. I just got tired of living everyday stressed and loathing myself. I spend all my money on clothes so No one would realize what my living conditions are really like. The girl I had been on and off with for 2years decided to date most of my old friends. I lost out on my scholarship oppertunities for basketball. So I finally decided I’m really better off dead. So I took every pill I could find with the exception of my sisters birth control. I was getting dizzy and sleepy than my mom got home saw the state I was in and the pills kept me awake til the paramedics came and took me to children’s hospital. I puked up the pills and said great I’m alive. I’m gonna make a part 2. This is too long…
I am the bottom of the barrel of a gun taunting you to pull the trigger. I am the untied noose that hasn’t taken a life yet. I am the curtains you open to see something worth living for. I am the nothingness you find. I am the truth of your lies. I am the one who stole your dreams I am the one who watched you throw away everything you once stood for. I am the feet you stare at on the edge of a bridge praying for the courage to jump. I am the train tracks you sit at for hours. I am the coldness only you can feel. I am the razor blade….need I say more